A very dark cloud hangs over this family. I feel angry towards doctors who kept telling my brother & sister-in-law, my spouse, etc., that Mac would get better. I kept feeling he'd be better off staying home with his horrid headache, where he would die in peace, but sometimes (as when you're an inlaw) it's best to keep your mouth shut and to "just let life take its course." Doug knew how I felt and he agreed with me, but the family still wanted to do everything they could for Mac and doctors kept offering them so much promise.
After three surgeries, multiple cat and heart skans, Mac has only gotten worse (with each one). Yesterday, he could barely open his eyes long enough to shut them again -- even while his brother and nephew drove down from Canada to be with him. Repeat seizures since last night's visit have made it pretty clear that this particular life cycle is near its end. Surgeons may have repeatedly told us that their ridiculously expensive interventions would "save" the sick . . . but it was only an illusion we clung to -- to comfort ourselves.
Perhaps when Universal Health Care takes over -- when doctors no longer must pay homage to pulling in the almighty dollar -- people will receive more honest feedback from our health-care providers. Perhaps more decent people will die at home, instead of with feeding tubes and I.V.s amongst numerous contagious diseases.
Doug and I keep working very hard to stay upbeat and to take emotional/mental breaks. We went estate sale shopping yesterday and found a good set of paddles to go with the rubber canoe I bought from the G.I. Joe store that's going out of business. This floating set of aluminum-handled paddles cost $2. The reprieve Doug and I felt for finding them (after weeks of looking for such)? Priceless!
On some level, I'm realizing the estate sale (where someone just died) means that even our moments of joy are surrounded by death . . . When I'm hired to do a house clearing? Same thing.
I have become so very sensitive to "energy" that when I cleared this last home where I was hired, I went into the attic and my skin seemed to crawl. I was picking up on really stressful energy that I described as "non-human." It felt like death eaters had been there . . . after smudging the place, and purifying it with sweet grass -- I found a dead bird in there. I'm beginning to think about death a lot and feel as though after any sort of death, there's a time when death-eaters come.
Let me ask you this. How many times have you shuddered to pass road kill? It does not happen EVERY TIME you pass a carcass. Does it! That makes me wonder if some sort of death eater is present when I experience that shudder. What's been YOUR experience??? Would that analogy make sense to you?
AS OF JUNE 29, 2011 - SunTiger MOVED!
6 years ago