Sunday, May 13, 2012

A Beautiful Life In Spite Of Chaos

I've had some big "aha" moments here lately. One has involved the regular struggle that accompanies monumental changes that a person faces when she's going through divorce, moved to a brand new location, started a completely new job, shopping all new grocery and department stores, finding new locations to hike and much more.

While the women-friends I've made at this new location have families or other preoccupations and are not always available to hang out on the weekends or after work, for my own social reasons, and in hopes of finding a worthy companion, I've attempted to date men. Each time, the very short romance has ended with me realizing something amazing about myself that I'd neglected to observe before. I've also felt very glad to exit each relationship that, due to my date's misrepresenting himself from the onset, caused me to feel like I was escaping a crazy atom bomb.

That reality has caused me to realize I can be way too trusting of people, when I first meet him/them. When a man tells me "I adore you." "You belong to me." "I belong to you." I have had the tendency to really genuinely wanna believe him. (Silly me.)

When he turns out NOT to be a man of his word - and I find him fooling around with another woman, or - worse - having an emotional breakdown if I don't answer my cell phone on the first ring - I end the relationship and feel so grateful that the irregularity of such romance ended SOONER rather than later in life, when two lives have become more enmeshed.

All these quick lessons aside, after any breakup, I get too caught up in my thoughts and rethink every exchange I have had with the former date - wondering how much of that irregular scenario was my own fault. I become so stuck in my head, in fact, that I make horrible mistakes, like leave my purse sitting on a chair outside the coffee house, next to a very busy street (where any dishonest person could so easily grab it).

Beating myself up over such oversights does NOTHING to fix the problem. Instead, I am being shown beautiful things ... such beauty, in fact, I couldn't wait to write about it.

Last night, for instance, the same day I lost my purse (only to return to the coffee shop later and realize the cashier had it safe behind the counter - to my utter glee and unbelievable relief) I was being very conscious about where I keep all my belongings as I continued to move about and around town. Because I went to the movie house, after shopping Barnes & Noble for a self-help CD (book on tape), I scolded myself long enough about the stupidity of mis-locating my purse earlier to remain highly conscious of where I kept all my things, my shopping bag and purse included.

Yet when the movie ended? My Barnes & Noble bag was missing. I thought I had kept the CD on my lap throughout the movie but suddenly it was not there - so I looked under the theater seats and all around and asked the clean-up crew if they could help me find it. They could not. I called the theater later, after driving home, and learned someone had turned my shopping bag in to the lost and found. All my careful planning (about being accountable with my things) had failed me.

After soaking in a mediation bath - seeking clarity of thought about this - asking ancestral spirits and allies for guidance on why I keep losing things, I felt convinced that these experiences have transpired to offer a powerful lesson for me.

Not only am I being shown the goodness of humanity as people have NOT stolen my lost items, but very kindly and generously put them in a place where I could return and collect such, but I am also being shown that no matter how carefully I plan my life (my career, my living situation) I am absolutely not the one in charge.

There are always many powers and energies swirling around in the Universe. My job is merely to be grateful that I am being watched over, and to claim that reality for myself. Patience is something that I'm being FORCED to embrace. Even through all the most difficult lessons that I've endured in life, I have this powerful revelation that I have never been alone. Goodness has always prevailed. My most diligent work and calculating is not what blesses me (not even when that's what I was taught as a child - that hard work and foresight alone produce good results).

So today? I thank my ancestors, the demi-gods and angelic beings who align with me to protect me from suffering too much harm thanks to my own human frailties.  I'm embracing that fact that I am not alone - even while I walk through the shadows of uncertainty. Many who cannot be seen are truly with me. Aho!


Fijufic said...

My dear friend this thought of control is intoxicating but not real. We are human for certain. Your post makes me smile.

I think a strong foundation of friendship has to form before one makes the physical leap. My dating experience is limited so I have no other way to describe my sentiments.

I also know the urge to be close is very powerful.

I will walk this path with you but have no clue as to the destination other than to say we will both know it when we see it.

You will walk this path with love and friendship. I promise you this.

Love always,

SunTiger said...

I agree with you Bobby. A strong foundation of friendship should form before someone makes a physical leap. Yet, looking over your life, how many of your "friends" have proven NOT to have your best interest at heart later down the road, when you thought you could trust them?

I'm so grateful to call you my friend. {{Hugs}}
~ Tami


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